It's A Mad World

Sunday, December 17, 2006

God Bless America & The Penal System

Lawyer: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"
Witness: "I only have one, you know."

Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?"
Witness: "By death."
Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?"

The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.

Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?"
Witness: "July 15th."
Lawyer: "What year?"
Witness: "Every year."

Lawyer: "Can you tell us what was stolen from your house?"
Witness: "There was a rifle that belonged to my father that was stolen from the hall closet."
Lawyer: "Can you identify the rifle?"
Witness: "Yes. There was something written on the side of it."
Lawyer: "And what did the writing say?"
Witness: "'Winchester'!"

Lawyer: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?"
Witness: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks."

Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?"
Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask."
Lawyer: "What was he wearing under the mask?"
Witness: "Er...his face."

Lawyer: "This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "And in what ways does it affect your memory?"
Witness: "I forget."
Lawyer: "You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?"

Lawyer: "How old is your son, the one living with you?"
Witness: "Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which."
Lawyer: "How long has he lived with you?"
Witness: "Forty-five years."

Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?"
Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"
Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?"
Witness: "My name is Susan."

Lawyer: "Sir, what is your IQ?"
Witness: "Well, I can see pretty well, I think."

Lawyer: "Did you blow your horn or anything?"
Witness: "After the accident?"
Lawyer: "Before the accident."
Witness: "Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it."

Lawyer: "Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?"
Witness: "Yes, sir."
Lawyer: "What did she say?"
Witness: "'What disco am I at?'"

Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

Lawyer: "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

Lawyer: "And you check your radar unit frequently?"
Officer: "Yes, I do."
Lawyer: "And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?"
Officer: "Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly."

Lawyer: "What happened then?"
Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"
Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"
Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."

Lawyer: "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

Lawyer: "So you were gone until you returned?"

Lawyer: "The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?"

Lawyer: "Were you alone or by yourself?"

Lawyer: "How long have you been a French Canadian?"

Witness: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Lawyer: "Was this a male or a female?"

Lawyer: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
Witness: "I went to Europe, sir."
Lawyer: "And you took your new wife?"

Lawyer: "I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture."
Witness: "That's me."
Lawyer: "Were you present when that picture was taken?"

Lawyer: "Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?"

Lawyer: "Do you know how far pregnant you are now?"
Witness: "I'll be three months on November 8."
Lawyer: "Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "What were you doing at that time?"

Lawyer: "How many times have you committed suicide?"
Witness: "Four times."

Lawyer: "Do you have any children or anything of that kind?"

Lawyer: "She had three children, right?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "How many were boys?"
Witness: "None."
Lawyer: "Were there girls?"

Lawyer: "You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?"

Lawyer: "You say that the stairs went down to the basement?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

Lawyer: "Have you lived in this town all your life?"
Witness: "Not yet."

Lawyer: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

Lawyer: "Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Eddington at the Rose Chapel?"
Witness: "It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30pm."
Lawyer: "And Mr. Eddington was dead at the time, is that correct?"

Lawyer: "What is your brother-in-law's name?"
Witness: "Borofkin."
Lawyer: "What's his first name?"
Witness: "I can't remember."
Lawyer: "He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?"
Witness: "No. I tell you, I'm too excited." (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) "Nathan, for heaven's sake, tell them your first name!"

Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?"
Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?"
Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?"
Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?"
Witness: "No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region."

Lawyer: "What is your marital status?"
Witness: "Fair."

Lawyer: "Are you married?"
Witness: "No, I'm divorced."
Lawyer: "And what did your husband do before you divorced him?"
Witness: "A lot of things I didn't know about."

Lawyer: "And who is this person you are speaking of?"
Witness: "My ex-widow said it.

Lawyer: "How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?"
Witness: "Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney and said he was really good."

Lawyer: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
Witness: "All my autopsies have been performed on dead people."

Lawyer: "Were you acquainted with the deceased?"
Witness: "Yes sir."
Lawyer: "Before or after he died?"

Lawyer: "Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
Witness: "No. This is how I dress when I go to work."

The Court: "Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any."

Lawyer: "Did he pick the dog up by the ears?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "What was he doing with the dog's ears?"
Witness: "Picking them up in the air."
Lawyer: "Where was the dog at this time?"
Witness: "Attached to the ears."

Lawyer: "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?"
Other Lawyer: "Objection. That question should be taken out and shot."

Lawyer: "And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. Ok? What school do you go to?"
Witness: "Oral."
Lawyer: "How old are you?"
Witness: "Oral."

Lawyer: "What is your relationship with the plaintiff?"
Witness: "She is my daughter."
Lawyer: "Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?"

Lawyer: "Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?"

Lawyer: "Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?"

Lawyer: "And what did he do then?"
Witness: "He came home, and next morning he was dead."
Lawyer: "So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?"

Lawyer: "Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?"
Witness: "He didn't offer me nothing. He just said I could have the furniture."

Lawyer: "So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?"
Witness: "I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital."
Lawyer: "It was covered?"
Witness: "Yes, bandaged."
Lawyer: "Then, later on...what did you see?"
Witness: "I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head."

Lawyer: "Could you see him from where you were standing?"
Witness: "I could see his head."
Lawyer: "And where was his head?"
Witness: "Just above his shoulders."

Lawyer: "Do you drink when you're on duty?"
Witness: "I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk."

Lawyer: "Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?"
Witness: "The victim lived."

Lawyer: "The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it? You too were shot in the fracas."
Witness: "No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."

Lawyer: "Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?"
Witness: "Because he was argumentary, and he couldn't pronunciate his words."

FUCK YEAH it makes me proud to be English when I read this.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

The Underground Can't Do It Alone

After reading one of my boys blogs regarding the current state (and it IS a state) of Hip Hop, I gots to thinking. As pretentious as this may seem as I pride myself on being part of the underground rap scene in the UK, most of Europe and partly in Canada & the US aiming to make it big (thanks to some cross-seas connections like Nix, Poet etc.) I'm getting tired of mainstream "artists" reproducing bullshit and failing to come up with the goods. "[I never hear anything] ...besides [mainstream rappers] putting a new chain around their neck or bigger rims on that Range." my boy aptly analyzes. It's true though. Try to think of a modern-day track that's sold to the millions that doesn't revolve around cash, status or 'pimping'. Can't can ya? Didn't think so.
Which brings me on to my next point. The best new material I've heard in the past 4 years has all been underground/online shit and that's not even an exaggeration. I always go through phases of listening mostly to one or two artists. And since late 2002, when I got involved in hip hop, the main cats that have been on heavy rotation in my world have been heads like DZK, Big Nix, Mastah Poet, Hard Target, Richie Sosa, Mickey Factz, Jae Swift, Boro, F.a.T, K-Nice, P.I.G., Spoonfull, Donnie B, Gravity and the list goes on and on. There's nothing better when I'ma be traveling for ages than turning on my iPod (or whatever music playing device I had back in '02) and bumping these rappers tracks and just listening to shit worth hearing and imagining performing this sort of stuff live gives me a buzz. Delivering each profound line and getting a massive crowd reaction must be the nearest to heaven short of having Jessica Alba, Kate Beckinsale and Christina Milian all in your hotel room horny and smashed off their faces on 80-proof alcohol and diesel fumes. Then, I put in a mainstream album, The Game's for instance. Now this is easy to listen to because the production, flow, delivery etc. is ace and dude's a talented rapper. But try to imagine performing this and it's only 1 or 2 lines per song that you can really see the crowd reacting to, and Game's is like the best mainstream cat in the world right now including Nas, Mos Def and a few others in my opinion. And Jay-Z’s new album “Kingdome Come” is not even worth turning the bad taste in my mouth to ink. It's like when I first heard Infinite, Em's lyrics, rhymes and delivery was crazy and, as I copped it late, I went out and bought the Encore CD. And I enjoyed that shit for a bit but since The Re-Up's release I've realized I couldn't have liked Encore that much because I honestly don't give a flying nazi fuck that Mr. Mathers has just released a new project.
One CD I am excited about though is "Debut of a Don: Volume I" courtesy of Gravity from New York. Now this kid has got skill. Riding the beat with a medium-speed, cocky but amiable rhythm he shuns a likeness to Pun he's been tagged with (being mixed race & Hispanic) with a "Yeah, but can Pun do this?" and flipping the next 8-12 bars at a crazy but crystal clear pace. And it’s this versatility the game is seriously lacking. Not just flowing differently and at changeable tempos but also having shit to say, as you'll see Grav has when you check him out at his official MySpace Page. Not once have I heard him rap about chains, money or bitches (bitches as in he's a pimp) and you should see the line-up on this mixtape. Fair enough Young Buck may not be of many avid hip hop fans tastes but it's a big-name, local figure head he's attracted through making the music he wants. Plus, you don't get Stimuli and Chino XL on your CD through being whack, do you? No.
Nova Prospektz, even though I'm unsure if they’re still a crew, are doing just this too. Nix has made some of the most creative tracks I've ever heard online with one of his early songs "Mah Life" playing a huge part in getting myself involved in making music in the beginning. Check Sacred Society any day of the Week and I bet “Big Nix” will be placed just below the words; Most, Creative and Audio.
Mastah Poet has always done his own thing with mad creative and original drops since the days of The Mobb and when cats there got too e-gangster and bullshitting he dropped a classic like The Settlement Part II and outted every single fronting fuck up in that bitch, shit was beautiful. That's why Poet and I have created AON (All Or Nothing) to produce the sort of music we think the game needs not what some fuck thinks will sell to pre-pubescent, crushing girls.

Speaking of The Mobb, I can also remember listening to cats like Corleone, Son of Caine and the then Furious Styles flipping multis so professionally and seamlessly I could hardly keep up. I’d find myself rewinding the tracks just to catch up with what they were saying. These were the days when Hip Hop, to me, really meant something. Back when a topical battle between Sinistir Knot and LynxXx would be talked about for months because so much effort and talent went into them they were classics. Then, Son of Caine dropping an anti-political fuelled bomb like “Red Tape”. Then, Poet dropping “The Settlement Part II”. Then, Inzer dropping “Supply & Demand”. And I don’t even know of any Mobb cats these days except Sinistir Knot has dropped from the underground scene, Mastah Poet and LynxXx (Nix) still progressing like a fucking steam train, Joey Ripps aka Likwit Skillz & Rhyme Adam (formerly Millennium) are making moves with me and Poet in FrontLine Militia and that Grimey Ben Blanco, who came before my time, is doing his thing with his own label in Florida. And it just seems a waste.

All of the above is strictly my opinion and are cats that just I've heard of and I'm sure there are plenty more talented MC's struggling for exposure in the game. Especially as distribution tends to be 9/10ths of making it these days.

Now, the underground. We can't do it alone. We lack both the exposure and funds to really make an independent CD worth listening to. Only the wannabe-street upper class kids can make this shit but it's rarely physically possible to listen to let alone worth it. So fuck net-beef. Cats should be hooking up globally to take over the mainstream the way we wanna and helping to keep talented artists involved in making music. Fuck what the pencil neck, braces wearing prick sitting in his big leather chair at the top of Interscope wants.

So from now on for the underground it should be All Or Nothing.

I.

I Was In The John...

Monday, December 11, 2006

"A Rant" By Spilled Ink

Upon receiving yet another chain bulletin on MySpace, I decided to strike back at these passed-along-plagues, MySpace and most of all, the dickheads (including, nay ESPECIALLY my real friends) on my 'friends-list' by fighting fire with fire... something to offend and annoy all of them.
After reading this the day after actually posting, I couldn't help but laugh to myself and wanted to share.
Now I'ma send it into one of those self righteous, the world doesn't understand us, emo, we can sell an upside down toilet with coke cans and rose petals on top for 4.3million but still be morose art sites, and hopefully claim my riches and move to the Bahamas.

"FUCK EVERYBODY on my friends list who posts one of them "repost this within 1.3 seconds or you'll have bad relationships for 7 years and none of your wishes will come true and you'll get bad luck for 50 years and your true love won't text message you at midnight and you'll develop some form of terminal disease and your profile will be deleted including layout, friends, codes, comments, picture comments, EVERYTHING!" chain bulletins.

I don't care if God HIMSELF get's a Shaft-like stroll on up to his almighty computer in all of his infallible, bearded and long-flowing-hairness, gets a MySpace profile just to see what he's been missing since he's been doing sweet F.A. since declaring "let there be light" in all of his I-made-the-world-in-the-dark glory, uploads a photo of himself in his bathroom mirror, requests to be my friend then passes one of these moron-created messages on to me... then, FUCK HIM TOO.

Thanks for listening children, enjoy the remainder of today."

Yours truly.

Fourteen Things That It Took Me Over 50 Years To Learn—by Dave Barry

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

You should not confuse your career with your life.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

Never lick a steak knife.

The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

Your friends love you anyway.

Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

Yeah... just go out and invent basejumping without parachutes... fuck it... a huge group of professionals made the most advanced form of sea travel known to man that happened to employ a dumbass/alcoholic/crackhead captain which failed to see an iceberg the same size as the Americas but a fictional character single handedly made a wooden ship big enough to hold 2 of every animal in the world... so fuck it... go make pavement pizza out of yourself.

Feel Like Going On A Murderous Rampage Resulting In A High Body Count? Then Roll Up A Fat One...

Brain may produce its own antipsychotic drug

Rachel Nowak, Melbourne

A cannabis-like substance produced by the brain may dampen delusional or psychotic experiences, rather than trigger them.

Heavy cannabis use has been linked to psychosis in the past, leading researchers to look for a connection between the brain's natural cannabinoid system and schizophrenia.

Sure enough, when Markus Leweke of the University of Cologne, Germany, and Andrea Giuffrida and Danielle Piomelli of the University of California, Irvine, looked at levels of the natural cannabis-like substance anandamide, they were higher in people with schizophrenia than in healthy controls.

The team measured levels of anandamide in the cerebrospinal fluid (CSF) of 47 people suffering their first bout of schizophrenia, but who had not yet taken any drugs for it, and 26 people who had symptoms of psychosis and have a high risk of schizophrenia.

Compared with 84 healthy volunteers, levels were six times as high in people with symptoms of psychosis and eight times as high in those with schizophrenia.

"This is a massive increase in anandamide levels," Leweke told the National Cannabis and Mental Illness Conference in Melbourne, Australia, last week. And that is just in the CSF. Levels could be a hundred times higher in the synapses, where nerve signalling is taking place, he says.

Cause or effect

But were the high anandamide levels triggering the psychotic symptoms or a response to them? Leweke and his colleagues found, to their surprise, that the more severe people's schizophrenia was the lower their anandamide levels.

The team's theory is that rather than triggering psychosis, the substance is released in response to psychotic symptoms to help control them. People with the worst symptoms might be unable to produce sufficient anandamide to prevent them.

At some point in their lives, between 5 and 30 per cent of healthy people have had symptoms such as delusions or hallucinations, which can be triggered by something as simple as sleep deprivation. "All of us are potentially psychotic," says David Castle of the University of Melbourne. So for the body to have a system that prevents these experiences getting out of hand makes sense, he says.

Frequent episodes

The new findings suggest antipsychotic drugs could be developed that target the anandamide system, but it will not be simple. The active ingredient in cannabis, THC, binds to anandamide receptors.

But people with schizophrenia who use cannabis actually have more severe and frequent psychotic episodes than those who do not. This may be because THC makes anandamide receptors less sensitive.

Leweke's team also found anandamide levels lowest in people with schizophrenia who used cannabis more frequently, suggesting it may disrupt the system in other ways too. Up to 60 per cent of people with schizophrenia use cannabis.

A study by Castle, also reported at the Melbourne meeting, has found that people use the drug to get rid of unpleasant emotions associated with the disease such as anxiety and depression.

License To Pill

Some nut having a not-quite-subliminal shot at the pop-a-pill-for-every-illness mentality we're in right now.

License To Pill

We couldn't get much higher...